You Have to Love Yourself

One of my early teachers was a very serious woman. I felt intimidated in her presence. It seemed so rare that she would laugh or smile. I worried when talking to her, like maybe I would say the wrong thing—even though she never implied that. That was just me worrying.

What I learned over time was that she was serious. But the seriousness, I realized, was not reactive, grumpy, judgy, or angry. It was the seriousness of goodness, the seriousness of embodiment, the seriousness of caring so much about this life. It was the byproduct of an enormous commitment to her own healing and the healing of all beings.

She was always moving forward in a sacred way. She was efficient yet nurturing. She wasn’t anxious, but everything mattered. This was a kind of love. She was serious about love.

My teacher did not waste words. When she gave an instruction, her voice carried an undeniable weight and wisdom. One afternoon, in response to an emotional struggle someone was experiencing, she paused before saying, “You have to love yourself.”

I felt she was talking to all of us. And I know deeply she had to have made that discovery herself. She had to have directly experienced that insight in her heart. Her words expressed her own transformation. 

The Pali language describes samvega as a shock, awakening, or recognition of spiritual urgency. It is a healthy, non-clinging-based desire not to waste time, to commit to awakening to the sorrow, mystery, beauty, and joyful gift that is this life. It is an energized longing. And longing knows what is possible.

It is possible, as the Buddha described, “to awaken to unshakeable freedom in the heart here and now.” 

Intellectually, I had no idea what my teacher was talking about. But it didn’t matter. Because I was, in the words of Vietnamese poet and nun Sister Dang Nghiem, shaken by the truth.

Truth is beyond words. Transmission cuts through and is unburdened by the interpretations and concepts of the intellect. 

I heard that instruction fifteen years ago, and it feels as clear as ever. It was one of the most wonderfully urgent things I’ve ever heard in my life. I will never forget feeling those words in my heart and making them an instant prayer for my own life.

You have to love yourself. Anything else is just not an option.